The Nordics Go Camping
by reyrocks
Summary: Our lovely Nordic quintet is spending a day at Norway's house when they get lost in the woods! Will they survive? What will happen to them? Will Denmark axe murder them? Read and find out!


**Hey! So it's been awhile since I uploaded anything and I've really been into Hetalia lately so I made this! I love the Nordics! It's been awhile so sorry for grammar and what not. It's a crack story, it's supposed to be weird. I'm gonna try to finish my one old story and do some more stuff, I've been really off with writing but have been getting back into it lately! Hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

The Nordics Go Camping

"This is just _great!_" complained Iceland. His day had been going perfectly fine until _this_ happened. The five Nordic nations had been spending the day at Norway's house having a relaxing time. That is until Finland's dog, Hanatamago escaped through the back door. Finland had begun to panic when Sweden suggested they all go look for her, so they did. Iceland didn't really think it was necessary for all five of them to go; Sweden and Finland would've been a sufficient size search party, but of course they'd all been dragged into it.

So they all trudged through Norway's back yard to find the missing puppy. And by back yard, I mean forest. Between Norway's house and the mass of trees was a strip of grass and it was obvious Hanatamago wasn't there or she'd be in plain sight. So into the forest they went!

It had been hours since they left the house, too many to count (in Iceland's opinion), with no sign of the dog. Finland had been crying for hours on end with Sweden trying to comfort him. Denmark was cheerful as ever. Norway was Norway; unreadable. And Iceland? He was pissed. If it were his choice, he'd be at home right now relaxing, doing _anything_ but this. '_All the weird stuff always happens when we come to Norway. I don't think I'm coming back for a while…'_

Eventually when the sun began to sink in the sky, Sweden suggested they returned to the house.

"B-But we can't leave her!" Finland cried.

"We c'n l'k more t'morrow," Sweden simply stated. Finland then proceeded to bawl in his companion's shoulder.

"Man, don't worry about Hanatamago, Fin! She's tough! She could totally survive out here!" Denmark said, trying to cheer him up. Iceland wanted to remark that dogs actually have a very slim chance of surviving out in the wild on their own, but he didn't want to seem like a downer.

Once Finland had stopped crying, they headed back the way they came. Or so they thought. Night fell and the house was nowhere in sight. Nothing looked familiar, probably because they'd never past it. They were lost.

"This is just _great_! Now what do we do?" complained Iceland.

"You should know these woods, Norge!" said Denmark. "Can't you get us back?"

"Probably not," he replied.

"Why?"

"Because this forest is enchanted."

"You're kidding," Iceland said, not amused.

"No, we'll probably be here for a while," replied Norway. Finland started crying even harder.

"C'lm d'wn," Sweden muttered while patting his friend's back.

"Well, we might as well make camp for the night," said Norway.

"WOOHOO! CAMPING TRIP!" Denmark rejoiced, jumping up and down.

"Quiet down you buffoon!" Norway scolded.

"This is gonna be AWESOME!" Denmark said happily, obviously not understanding their situation.

Iceland sighed heavily. '_Who knows how long we'll be here!'_ All five of them climbed up the low branches of the trees to spend the night. Norway climbed up Iceland's tree and sat next to him.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

'_Fan-fucking-tastic!' _"Yeah."

Norway grunted. He didn't make a move to leave.

"Aren't you going to seep?" Iceland asked.

"Yes."

"…Here?"

"I don't see why not. The ground is cold."

Iceland sighed again. His brother obviously wanted to sleep by him. '_This is probably his wacked up way of spending brotherly bonding time. Kill me now, Odin.' _Iceland laid back on the tree and closed his eyes, wishing he'd wake up in his own bed.

When Iceland woke from his slumber, Norway was no longer beside him. He looked down from his tree to see the other four Nordics having a discussion. He hopped down to join them.

"Ah, Iceland," she his brother. "You will be coming with me to look for supplies."

"Uh, ok," he said. '_Why do I have to be stuck with him?' _Iceland thought.

"Denmark will be hunting and Finland and Sweden will stay here and build the camp." Iceland saw that Denmark had made a makeshift bow with curbed branch and one of his shoe laces. '_Idiot…' _ Sweden looked normal, but Finland had a big smile plastered on his face. He knew it was fake. He'd looked like he'd been crying all night. Probably because he was.

"Let's go," Norway commanded. Iceland followed unwillingly behind. Denmark went off to find them a meal while Finland and Sweden stayed behind. Iceland hoped that they would not stray too far and get lost, but Norway seemed determined to stray further and further away.

"Uh, Norway? Let's not go too far, ok?" Iceland said.

"No."

"No?! What do you mean 'no'? You want to get lost again?"

"We won't get lost because I can hear Denmark making a racket from ten miles away," he said.

Iceland sighed. "What are we looking for anyway?"

"Anything that may be useful."

"Which would be…?"

"Herbs, edible berries, rocks, anything really." Norway bent down to observe a plant growing from the ground. "Can I see your gloves?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to touch it."

"Well, what is it?" Iceland asked.

"Poison sumac."

"And why, dare I ask, would you ever want that for?!"

"It's a gift for Denmark." A sadistic little grin appeared on Norway's face. Iceland thought about it for a minute. "Do it for _storebror?_"

"Tch, fine." He handed them over. "But only because I'd like to see Denmark suffer. It has nothing to do with…_that…_"

"Mhmm…" Norway picked the plant with one glove and stored the poisonous leaves in the other. "Come. Let's search for more."

Back at camp, Sweden was gathering material to build a fire. Even in the early days of September, it was beginning to get cold in Norway. While Sweden was hard at work, Finland sat on the ground, still sulking over his lost puppy. Sweden felt bad for his friend, but he wished he would get over it for now and pitch in and help.

"Fin, d' ya mind h'lp'ng me c'llect t'nder f'r th' f're?" Sweden asked.

Finland stood up and mumbled what sounded like a 'sure'. He trudged off slowly into the forest. Sweden went back to his work. After he finished collecting all the logs, he tried to spark a fire with two sticks. Soon after he began, Finland came running back.

"Sweden! Sweden! Look what I found!" At first, Sweden expected to see Hanatamago in Finland's arms, but instead it was a bundle of red fur. "Isn't she adorable?" Finland said with a huge smile on his face. "She just came right up to me! Isn't she great?"

A fox. Finland brought back a fox. '_Is he insane?!'_ Sweden thought. Could he really replace Hanatamago that easily with a wild, possibly rabid, animal? Sweden was about to tell him all the danger of adopting a wild animal but instead muttered, "Sure."

"What should I name her?" Finland said happily.

"Uh…"

"Oh Sweden! I'm so glad I found her! She makes me so happy!"

'_D'mmit… We'll never get rid of that thing now,' _Sweden thought. "_Fin sure 's weird. 't least he's h'ppier n'w…' _"D'd y'u c'llect the t'nder?"

"Oh right!" Finland said. "I'll go get it!" He ran back into the forest leaving his new fox friend behind with Sweden.

"Uh…" The fox glared at him, a low growl rising in its throat. '_Sh't.'_

A few hours later, all Denmark had come up with was two squirrels and a rabbit. He hadn't come across any large game and even if he did, he doubted he'd be able to take it down with a shoe lace bow and blunt arrows which were just sticks with kind of sharped ends he crafted with a rock.

"This is useless. I might as well go back," he said to himself. "I mean, at least I caught _something. _Those guys would be hopeless without me! Just another reason to appreciate the kind of Northern Europe! Ha!" Denmark laughed to himself. He stared to head back the way he came. After a few minutes, he felt as if he was being followed. "Hello?" Denmark turned around. Through the bushes, he could see a pair of beady black eyes. And then another! "Shit!" He quickly climbed up the nearest tree. Two large brown bears came out of the bushes and began clawing at the trunk of the tree.

"Goddammit! They followed the scent trail! Um, can brown bears climb trees?" He looked down. The bears began shaking the tree while Denmark clung to it for dear life. "Looks like I'll be here for a while." Denmark sighed.

By the time Iceland and Norway set back for camp, the sun was beginning to go down. He assumed it as about six o'clock. They'd been out for hours and hadn't come across much. They'd found a plastic bag, which they put all their items in, a metal pail, and many different edible plants and barks.

"They're good and they'll hold you over for now," Norway had said. Iceland could hardly stand it. _'I can't live eating this shit! When we get back, Denmark better have caught something good!' _Of course, when they returned to camp, there was no sight of the Dane.

"G'd, y'u're back," Sweden greeted them. "We f'nd a st'm th't way."

"Good," Norway said. They even had a fire going.

"B't I h've t' t'lk t' y'u ab't Fin-"

"Hi guys!" Finland came out of the trees running towards them with a small red fox beside him.

"I-Is that a fox?" Iceland asked.

"Yeah! Her name is Immi! It means one who pours water from a jug."

"Uh…"

"Iceland," Norway interrupted. "Go sort the stuff we found. Finland, can you get us some water?" Norway handed him the pail they found.

"Sure! Now we can have something to drink from! Let's go, Immi!" After Finland had left, Iceland turned to his brother. "Are you insane? You're going to let him keep it?!"

"Do you really want to upset him after everything that's happened?" Norway said.

"Well, no but-"

"Then be good and do what _storebror_ says." Iceland scowled at that word. He hated when Norway did that. _'Just let it go…'_ Soon Finland returned with the pail full of water. With the fox. Yay.

There was really nothing they could do but wait for Denmark to return with something to eat. They were all starving and eagerly waiting for him to return. Finland tried to make small talk with the group, but no one really answered him. It wasn't until night had completely fallen when Denmark returned.

"Hey guys! I'm back!" he said happily.

"You were gone the entire day. Where did you go?" Norway demanded sternly.

"I'm starving!" said Iceland.

"Oh Iceland, so selfish aren't we?" Denmark patted his silver hair only to anger the teen more. "While I was out in the deep dangerous woods, you were here being a lazy ass."

"No! I was out too!"

"Ah, whatever. You are any other time." Denmark plopped down on a log. "So anyway, I know you guys missed me while I was out getting the catch of the day and you're probably wondering where I was!"

"G't t' th' p'nt." Sweden lowered at the Dane.

"Ok, ok! Long story short, I was trapped in a tree all day because of some bears, no biggy!" He smiled hoping his long speech would soften their reactions.

"And he calls himself a Viking…" Iceland muttered.

"Put a sock in it, Ice." Norway proceeded in smacking Denmark over the head.

"But you did bring back_ something,_ right?" asked Finland.

"Sure did! Two rabbits and a squirrel!"

"Is that enough for five people?" Iceland asked.

"It sure as hell isn't! Now we'll have to split the rations equally. It will be small, but we'll have to make do. And it anyone takes more than their supposed to, we'll be forced to sacrifice you and eat your corpse to stay alive-OWW!" Denmark received another smack from Norway.

"If that's the case, I'm betting you'll be the dead man," Norway said.

"Aw Norge, you think I'd steal from my best friends?"

"I hate you."

"Your words are hurtful, man!"

"Guys, come on. Let's be nice and cook what we have!" Finland chimed in. Sweden grunted and took the dead animals from Denmark to go skin and cook them. Meanwhile, the rest of them sat around the fire to get warm.

"Um, Fin? Why do you have… a fox?" Denmark asked.

"She's my new friend!"

"Why don't we make her into more? Like part of our supper!"

Finland, stricken with horror gasped. "NO!"

Denmark sighed. While those two help up their conversation, Norway was staring at Iceland.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked.

"Sure, I guess," Iceland replied.

"Is that a yes or no?"

"Yes!" Norway was to close for comfort for Iceland.

"You don't look like it." It was true Iceland was a bit cold, but what would he do about it?

"It's no big deal…" Iceland said. Suddenly, Norway wrapped his arms around Iceland and pulled him into his lap. "Wha-what are you doing?!"

"Keeping you warm, _lilbror._"

"I told you I was fine!"

"Too bad."

Iceland sighed. '_Dammit.'_

"Hey Denmark, you ok?" Finland asked. The Dane was furiously scratching the back of his head.

"No! Dude, my head itches like crazy!" He picked a leaf out of his hair. "What _is_ this?"

"It appears to be poison sumac," Norway stated.

"…what…" Denmark suddenly became very serious. "And why…do you know this?"

"Because I am highly educated."

"And _how_ did this get here?"

"That is a mystery." Denmark didn't look very convinced. In fact, he looked quite angry. '_Nor must've put it there when he smacked him. I can't say I feel too bad for Denmark though…what an idiot.'_ Iceland thought. The Dane stalked off to another part of the forest and Finland began giggling.

"Norway, that wasn't very nice!" Finland said, hardly able to contain his laughter.

"What makes you think I put it there?" he asked.

"Norway, I know you did it. I was with you when you got it," Iceland said.

"I still don't see why you're pointing the finger at me." Finland continued laughing. Soon Sweden came back with the skinned animals impaled with a stick. He began cooking them over the fire. Once the meat was done and the scent had wafted into the air, Denmark returned.

"F'd's r'dy."

"Yeah, that's the only reason I came back," Denmark said sitting as far away from Norway as possible. All of them were quiet as they ate their meal. There was hardly any food at all so it didn't take them all long to finish. Iceland was still very hungry, but more fried squirrel on a stick or tree bark wasn't very appealing either. Finland began striking up a conversation and eventually Denmark chipped in and began telling a story from their Viking days.

"Sometimes, when we ran out of things to wear, we just walked around naked, balls hanging out and everything!" Denmark said.

"That's disgusting." Iceland said.

"Yeah, but man did it feel good! The cold ocean breeze blowing against your balls! It was great!" Iceland cringed in his seat. "Your brother was famous for it! They weren't called Berserkers for nothing!" Iceland could see a very light blush form on Norway's face. He never looked at his brother the same way after that night.

Denmark must've decided he wasn't made at him anymore because he was poking and teasing the Norwegian. He was clearly not amused by this. Suddenly, there was a rustling in the bushes nearby.

"Um, what is that?" Finland asked nervously. They all looked. No one approached the shaking shrub, but Denmark did grab his shoe-lac bow. Instead of a large and terrifying animal, out of the bust came an unexpected surprise.

"It's Hanatamago!" Finland jumped for joy and ran over to his now found puppy. The dog barked happily, glad to be with her owner again.

"At least that problem has been solved," said Norway. '_Now if we could just get out of this damn forest!'_ Iceland thought. He rested his head on his hand and looked over to where Finland had been sitting. The fox he had found earlier was growling and glaring in their direction.

"Um, guys…" No one was paying attention to him or the fox. Iceland was going to warn them again, but the fox shot off towards the puppy. Hanatamago made a dash for the trees with Immi on her tail.

"No! Hanatamago!" Finland cried and ran after them. Not wanting him to get hurt or separated, the other four Nordics followed in pursuit. As they all dashed thought the forest blindly in the night, Iceland though about how ridiculous they must all look.

Denmark soon caught up with the animals and began throwing rocks at the fox. It suddenly turned on him and jumped on Denmark and bit him in the neck. Denmark screamed, foaming at the mouth and dropped to the ground.

"Holy shit!" Iceland screamed.

Sweden sighed and slung the now unconscious Dane's body over his shoulder. "Useless…" he muttered. The four continued running after the two animals. Iceland couldn't remember a time when he'd run faster in his life. When they eventually came to a clearing, they stopped.

"H-Hey! We're back at the house!" Iceland exclaimed. Everyone let out a sigh of relief and Sweden let Denmark's body fall to the ground. The two animals were still running around the yard.

"I got this," said Finland. He quickly went to the shed and retrieved a shotgun and blew the fox's brains out. They all stood there in shock, mouths wide open as Finland stood there with a huge grin plastered on his face at what he'd done. "I'm so glad that's over! Let's go, Hanatamago!" Finland's dog barked in response and followed him to the front of the house. Norway and Iceland still stood in shock. Sweden just shrugged and decided to leave. Only three remained.

"I'll get a shovel," Norway said. Iceland watched as his brother dub a hole in the ground and lazily threw Denmark's body in it.

"Uh… he's not dead Nor…"

"So? Imagine how funny it'll be when he wakes up under a pile of dirt."

"O…k then…" His brother was truly sadistic. The brothers went inside the house leaving Denmark to wake up on his own.

So the Nordics had one hell of a camping trip, if you can even call it that. All is well with Northern Europe.

"Hey Iceland."

"What."

"Call me _storebror._"

"Why do you do this?"

**THE END**


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